Dear Angels: I am in an ethical dilemma. My friend, C, would like me to give her contact information for my brother, D, so that she can ask him for information about the whereabouts of her son, M, who left her family out of anger. I feel in a quandary because I feel that this would be interference in my brother’s life and I feel that it is interference in M’s life, and also I don’t want to feel used and controlled. I feel that this is her issue and not mine. What do I do?When a friend is in need, the best thing that we can do is honor the friendship to the degree that we can to provide the assistance needed and asked for, and hope and believe that our help will be used to the best advantage of the friend seeking help.
Now, there are indeed times when help–the best help we can provide–is to stay out of someone else’s business because it is indeed interference. This may well be the case in this instance. Let’s examine some of the related issues and see where on the scale of helping you would fall in granting C’s request.
First of all, is C asking for something that you could give her? The answer is yes. It would be no problem to give C the contact information for your brother. Are you hesitant to do this out of fear of contacting D? You must examine this because you, too, are shunning D because you will not provide his contact info to C. You are not sharing and openly communicating with D or with C in this instance. You withhold information that you have because you do not wish to open the door as it were to him. You are comfortable with your little door closed and not revealed, not illuminated.
This is a choice you have made, in fear, because you seek to punish D for his perceived sins of punishing you. What goes around comes around, though, and it may not serve you well to continue D’s form of punishment as your own form of punishment because it is punishment that ultimately only punishes self. You see, all forms of punishment are self abuse. There is nothing that we dish outwardly that we do not first dish inwardly. So it is ideal if you do not succumb to the same behavioral pitfalls that your brother falls to. You can rise above, elevate yourself to the level of love, respect, value, and appreciation, to better adhere to principles that will serve you well.
But I feel that if I communicate with him, this will just give him reason to continue to shun me and treat me in ways that I don’t want to be treated. It feels easier just to let him live his life without me getting involved.
It is fine to let him live his life, but he is your brother and this has been a grand opportunity to understand better–to refine–your ethical values. You can contact him when needed and not fear that the contact will backfire because what you intend in these moments, these instances, is to share openly and with love. There can be no backfiring. You do not need to accept or take on his fears. His are his and yours are yours and you do not need to mix the two.
Now, let us return to the issue with C. In this instance, it would be fine to give C D’s phone numbers. What you must remember is that here you are helping a friend in need and your friend is turning to you for help that she feels will assist her in her quest. Perhaps her quest is misguided–and indeed it may well be misguided–but that is her road and her decision and you do not need to concern yourself with that. It is her business. You do not need to try to control her use of the information, nor judge it.
Indeed, C does seek to interfere in the decision that her son has made. His decision was to leave the family and to not have communication with the family. This is a major lesson for C and she is learning this lesson, but it is a tremendous challenge for her, and for her family, because they do not understand the need or the value in allowing M to have the time to come to his own senses and to perceive himself as a man. So she seeks to treat him as a subservient son who must give in to her wishes.
But this is her lesson to learn with her son, and learn it she will. But for you to help her in the way that she wishes–this will not compromise your ethics. It will be handing her what she seeks so that she may do what she is intent on doing. If she blames you for this, or if M blames you for this, then this, too, will be misguided because you will have only given her what it is she seeks, without questioning her motives, but simply as a gift to allow her to continue on her path.
So do not be afraid to give C the phone numbers.
Now, there is the issue of control in this friendship. Indeed, C at times does not understand that she wields a great deal of oppressive authority when she deals with others. You see, she is trying to control her own fear, but she does not understand fear. She understands, though, that she hurts, and when she hurts, she has a tendency to lash out and to blame others. She does not want to be “wrong” and so she makes others “wrong” in an attempt to make herself “right.”
In this instance of her dealing with you and M, though, she is attempting to communicate with her son and to assure him and herself that a line of communication can be open. It is a good thing that she is trying to do. There is no need to judge her motivation here. She is operating with a clear mind on this and it can produce fruit.
So in this instance, you may provide her with what she seeks, with the knowing that you are helping the friendship and serving as a bridge between her and M.
Now, this may be a difficult issue for you because of your relationship with D, so if anything here, this is an opportunity to once again examine your relationship with D. For a long time you have allowed this relationship to flounder and to exist in the energy of an in between zone – not because of anger but because of confusion. This is understandable and it is very common. We are often immobilized out of a sense of not knowing what is best, rather than a sense of knowing what the issues are and what would serve our best interest.
But it is time to move to the next steps with D. It is time to normalize your relationship. Yes, this can evoke some fear. It can also produce an amazing transformation if you are open to transformation taking place. In many respects, it does not matter who was “right” and “wrong” in the events that transpired. Suffice it to say that all was as it should have been. There were no victims and there were no perpetrators other than the victims and perpetrators that willingly – on a soul level–opted to serve in such capacities and roles. You were living what you desired, subconsciously, to live.
But those days may be over as you move into a new frame of mind about the implications of these relationship quandaries. They no longer need to be quandaries because you wish to see them as opportunities. This is totally within your means to do. In this instance, you may write to David and to ask if he minds you giving his contact information to C.
Oh please don’t ask me to do that. I do not want to speak with him. I don’t like him.
Then you do not like yourself. When we love ourselves, we love everyone else. There is no separation in who we perceive ourselves to be and who we perceive others to be. There is no exception to this rule.
Yikes. Then I don’t want to not love myself.
Then you can show yourself your self love by showing D your love. These can be small gestures–they do not need to be grandiose or overt. They can be subtle and undefined in many regards. Do you want to maintain a cone of silence, or do you want some warmth to creep in? If you want warmth–as comfortable as you may have become to the ice–then this can be an opportunity to instill some warmth. You could call D and ask him if it is okay, or you could simply forward the info to both of them at the same time. Send a cheerful message. This could be a boon to both of them and to yourself. Go ahead, give it a try and see how good it makes you feel.
I feel it already just thinking about it.
Good. This is exactly what “sharing energy” means. We are energy. You must remember this. Energy is our essence. When we live, we share. We cannot live and not share who we are and what our energy is. So by just being, you share your energy. To share it readily, purposefully, intently, you further create energy bridges that have an impact in the world. This is a good thing. To share energy with intention is to share the love that we are, in our soul and spirit. We want to share.
Now, as you share energy with D, you also share energy with yourself, and this is good. This is what healing is about. Ultimately all healing is self healing, and self healing is evolution. You see, we move forward in our soul path by giving ourselves energy infusions of love. So – by reaching out to D, you reach out to yourself and you give yourself a new neuronal pathway of love in the nervous system. This opens the heart “chakra” as it were, which is your energy of love and life. You allow your energy to flow and pulse with the blood that travels to all corners, reaches, of your bodily system.
Now, this is a good thing to think about because you have been on the path of healing for many years. This “issue” with D is indeed only an issue of perception. Once the perception is healed, the issue is healed because there is no issue other than the ones that we create in our own mind. So–feel the courage to triumph in your mind over this issue that you perceive in the physical world. You will be advancing tremendously on your soul path.
Remember, too, that your brother D does love you. He feels tremendous love in his heart for you, and as your love reminds him of the love that he feels for you, this is an energy healing for both of you, and it will carry you both to new places.
There is much to look forward to in this healing vein that you have struck here–as you might strike a vein of gold as you are mining for gems. The truest gem is the gem of the golden love within. You do indeed have a mother lode of this love within. We each do, as humans, because we are children of the father/mother god, our Creator, who shared with us as children the love of self that the Creator felt. This love is in infinite supply and truly it is unlimited. The love you have within is unlimited, and as you express it to each other, you indeed express it to yourself.
So–share your love with D and with C and trust that all is moving as it should. You are each on your own path of healing and recovery from wounds, and in this instance there is a delightful triangulation of energy that can move each of you forward on your soul path. Be assured that all is well and that all will be well when the love that you are becomes the love that you express in the minutiae of your communication challenges.
Trust that love is here and that love is what you each have for each other.
God bless you.
